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Peace After Loss

Caryn Boddie photo.

Peace I leave you, my peace I give unto you, not as the world giveth give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled neither let it be afraid. — John 14:27 (KJV)

Have you received deep peace during your time of bereavement, peace that was beyond what you could understand?

This peace is different from the feeling of shock you first experience with a loss; rather, it is a feeling of comfort and assurance that feels supernatural, like it’s from a heavenly source. In fact, it is.

At a recent meeting of my women’s group various members reflected on times of loss and trauma in their lives when they received this peace. Our stories were remarkably similar: We each had been devastated, crushed and brokenhearted by loss, and we didn’t know how we would go on. Suddenly, each of us felt comforted and assured in a very tangible way. Every person said it was the Holy Spirit who had comforted them and given peace.

I told my story briefly of how I rocked my infant daughter on a night after my sister had committed suicide. I rocked and rocked my daughter while I was in shock and lost, and I thought I felt evil coming toward me, going away, and coming back again, when a deep, deep peace covered my daughter and me like a blanket.

I didn’t know it was the peace Jesus gives at the time — I didn’t go to church or read the Bible — but I started wanting to read God’s Word and to find a good church.

I began to pay attention to Scripture on radio, mostly. I heard a pastor recite John 14:27 and then talk about the peace Jesus gives. I found the verse in print and memorized it. That verse remains a favorite of mine to this day.

I found other verses about the peace the Lord gives too, such as Philippians 4:7: And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (KJV).

The peace was not just there for that evening, for that one time and place. It remained with me even as a I grieved my sister and stepped into her place in the family for my parents. It was in the background as I continued on as a wife and mother and did the everyday work I had to do, in the home and in the workplace. It helped me live on year after year from that day when my sister chose to die.

That peace is available to you too as you are facing your own loss and grieving. You can just ask the Lord for it if you haven’t already experienced it.

Before you ask the Lord for His peace, you should probably repent of your sins and ask Jesus into your heart, if you believe in him. It’s easy to do; just say it out loud by yourself, in your own way, and mean it.

Meadowlark Press has published a small, encouraging book for people to use when they are grieving: Walking Through the Valley: Grieving Well One Step at a Time by C.S. Boddie. It’s a friend that comes alongside wherever people are in the grieving process and helps them use walking as a took for grieving, even going with them on daily walks. The twenty-one-day devotional has words and images to comfort and inspire, plus recommendations for resources. The small book is available online at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

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Grieving after suicide

Clear Creek at Golden, Colorado. Caryn Boddie photo.

“Suicide sucks.”

This is what I told my friends when I showed up to be with them upon the suicide of their son.

I felt like I had just tossed out a couple words when I had few to share, but my friend — the dad — said the two words were just what he needed to hear (I had lost a sister to suicide, so I knew firsthand).

Unfortunately, I have said those words to another dad recently upon the death of his son.

What is it that makes suicide a more-difficult type of loss to grieve? In a word, suicide is devastating. It is so sad that a loved one would choose to kill himself or herself. It is so hard to imagine that a loved one was in so much pain, enough to make him or her opt for suicide. It is so brutal to have a dear one ripped away and be suddenly gone, leaving you to go on in the world without that person. It is so crushing to realize how your loved one died, alone and violently or publicly and shamefully.

All of this is added on top of the usual grief of loss, plus there is guilt that you did or did not do the right things or say the right things to your loved one. Is it your fault? Could you have helped? As you deal with all this, you will also have to deal with people saying the dumbest things.

What helps when you have lost someone to suicide?

Everybody is different, but here are a few things that might help:

  • Realize that it was probably not something that someone did or did not do that motivated your loved one to kill himself or herself; it was the pain he or she was in.
  • Be gentle to, and take extra good care of, yourself; grieving a loved one lost to suicide is one of the biggest challenges people face in life.
  • Tell yourself that what you can do to honor your loved one is to live fully and in the best way you can going forward.
  • Devote yourself to a creative effort to memorialize your loved one.
  • Support organizations that help others who are in pain and might be at risk for suicide in memory of your loved one.
  • Get some counseling or go to a support group for people who are “survivors of suicide.”

Meadowlark Press has published a small, encouraging book for people to use when they are grieving: Walking Through the Valley: Grieving Well One Step at a Time by C.S. Boddie. It’s a friend that comes alongside wherever people are in the grieving process and helps them use walking as a took for grieving, even going with them on daily walks. The twenty-one-day devotional has words and images to comfort and inspire, plus recommendations for resources. The small book is available online at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

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Pandemic losses

Today, on March 16, 2021, we observe the one-year anniversary of the pandemic due to COVID19. It has been a difficult year for everyone, but we know it has been more difficult for some than others. You made it through the year. Well done! What are the losses you have sustained during this year? Have you grieved them? Maybe it would be good to take the time to do that intentionally now. Maybe you could help your children grieve some of what they’ve lost too. The time invested in grieving can pay big dividends in moving on positively to better days.

Maybe you could make a list of all that has been lost for you in the past year. Do it quickly. Include people, things, values and dreams. Then, go down the list and rate the losses ABC or 123 most important to least important for you, not what others might think; for example: 1-Dad, 3-my business, 2-hope, 4-dream of biking from San Francisco to New York. Help your children do the same. After you’ve worked on your lists, make a plan to spend a little time grieving those losses from the least impactful to the most impactful, or vice versa. Get creative. What would be most meaningful to you, your children?

Meadowlark Press has published a small, encouraging book for people to use when they are grieving: Walking Through the Valley: Grieving Well One Step at a Time by C.S. Boddie. It’s a friend that comes alongside wherever people are in the grieving process and helps them use walking as a took for grieving, even going with them on daily walks. The twenty-one-day devotional has words and images to comfort and inspire, plus recommendations for resources. The small book is available online at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.

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Help for Grieving During and After The COVID-19 Pandemic

Tragically, many people have died because of this coronavirus. More will die. If one of those people is your loved one, the statistics cease to matter. Your loved one is gone and you are launched suddenly into grief after the tragic happenings of days or weeks.

The first thing people will experience after such a loss will be shock. You or your family member or friend may feel numb, as if in a dream. Emotional pain is less present, which enables a person to take care of what needs doing after the loved one’s passing, including planning a memorial. Unfortunately, a memorial or funeral may be delayed in the aftermath of the pandemic because the nation is still trying to beat the coronavirus by social distancing. However, the bereaved could create a memorial via video conferencing or streaming online in the coming days. Also, if a loved one has died at home, there may be delays in coroners taking the body away. (For more information do an online search on what to do when a loved one dies from coronavirus.) As far as grieving, the best a person can do under these circumstances is to rest and take good care while staying at home. Also, it would be good to communicate by text or phone or email with loved ones and clergy. After that, necessary paperwork concerning a loved one’s death can probably be started from home via computer. A person will most likely move on in the grief process as the coronavirus crisis abates and things normalize.

Meadowlark Press has published a small, encouraging book for the bereaved to use when they are grieving: Walking Through the Valley: Grieving Well One Step at a Time by C.S. Boddie. It’s a friend that comes alongside wherever people are in the grieving process and walks with them for a short time. The twenty-one-day devotional has words and images to comfort and inspire, plus recommendations for resources. The small book is available online at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.